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Saturday, May 11, 2013

Virtue

I am not a patient person.

This isn't news, even for this fledgling blog. But I'm once again at the point where I have exciting, great things ahead of me. . . and WORK to do before they get here. UGH. If I decide I'm ready for the next life event, whatever it might be, why can't it just ARRIVE already? I would like change to happen immediately, not after three or four months of more miserable work. 

I'm currently on the precipice of a long, hard summer so that I can reach a few goals in the fall (financial, career, and travel). I don't even what to share my goals broadly yet (remember about keeping the good things close?) because I can feel the tiny seed of chickening out in my brain. What if I don't take a second job? Do I really want all that stuff later? Isn't that reserved for cooler, hipper, different people? Ones who live in sunny places, bigger cities? Do you really want to be working hard at two jobs again? For months? Cleaning up after other people, having someone else set your schedule, working long after you'd rather be asleep? 

. . .sigh. Hard work, here I come. Practicing my visualizations for when work sucks. And.. . 

Go. 

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Joy to the World

The hardest things for me to share, even with my nearest and dearest, are the good things. I admit it doesn't make much sense that joyful, hopeful, exciting things would be hard to say out loud- wouldn't sharing them ALSO share and increase the joy, the hope, the excitement?

Well, sometimes. It depends on whom you share it with. My deepest joys have always been secret joys, held close to my heart. It's why I don't like talking too much about Harry Potter or about my favorite music. It's why I never liked watching my favorite TV shows with my family, and why I liked to hole up in my bedroom, condemning all intrusion, to read.

This is the life of a bookworm-turned-social butterfly. I take immense joy in having people around me, and am fueled by connection with others. In grand social events, though, I'm sharing only a piece of myself: Party Sarah, Funny Sarah, In-charge Sarah, Helpful Sarah. In intimate social events, all attendees (most likely) have been vetted by years of friendship. But sharing things that bring me true joy? That involves incredible vulnerability; that joy comprises my deepest sense of self. So when others respond flippantly, casually, or, heaven forbid, mockingly, it's not my public persona or one facet of my personality they are tossing aside, but the most authentic concept I have of me.

In fact, sharing this on the internet is a bit easier than sharing with my loved ones in person. Because their opinions matter so much to me, and because I tend to make assumptions about how they'll respond, I tend to keep the truly good, exciting things to myself rather than have someone respond "wrong."

I'm not ready to declare this system of thinking as "bad;" after all, I do believe it's important to keep boundaries around the important things when you know that someone else will rain on your parade. But I do think it's something to reflect on, in terms of developing more and better ways to savor my joy in life and share the joy (either particularly, or just a general cheerfulness) with the world at large.