Though born under Pisces, I definitely never felt like I embodied the characteristics of the fish. I was born a week early, so I take that as confirmation that I'm really supposed to be an Aries kind of girl. Be that as it may, my life feels like I'm under water right now. (Perhaps I'd fare better if I were a fish.)
At the beginning of this year, I was ready to jump off into the deep end of opportunity and change- to GO for it, whatever life had to offer. I was done with thinking about it, so I dove in.
At first, it was exhilarating, the thrill of wind against my face as I plummeted toward the water, the shock of breaking through the surface, slicing through this new medium, getting deeper than I thought possible. The scariness only adds to the tingling thrill of life as you feel everything all at once.
But, then. Then you're just in the water. And the options are so much more varied than sink or swim. There's the confident, though newly learned, stroke. When confidence fades, or muscles tire, there's faltering, swallowing mouthfuls of water as you gasp for air. The thrashing struggle to regain control. There's the brief wonderment when submerged, seeing light move more slowly, the noise of the world go mute, before rising again to the surface. And then there's resigning to simply float for a while, not paddling towards your destination- perhaps you remain where you are, perhaps you drift further away- until a wave crashes and it's back to thrashing, swimming, or being submerged once again.
That's what I feel. Constant internal struggle. Changes in state from week to week or even day to day. Sometimes I'm pulling through the water with strength and ease. Sometimes I fighting and failing and gulping tons of water in the process. And sometimes, I think "Is floating along really so bad?" Until I remember what I'm swimming towards, and the process starts all over again.
Thanks for bearing with me on my extended metaphor excursion. What I need are the skills- tips and tricks I can find aplenty, what I need now are solid, practiced skills- to keep the vision in mind. If I can avoid floating, and find some way to return to my slow front crawl after thrashing through the water, I think I'll be leagues ahead (get it? leagues?).