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Monday, February 18, 2013

Shift

It's a quiet day at the office today, with both my coworkers in D.C. for this three-day weekend (No KXL!). but I'm enjoying it. My panoramic view of the city is blurred by some snow and rain, and I'm happy to be tucked away from the elements. In fact, I really hope the phone doesn't ring, nobody emails me, and nobody stops by. (One person has stopped by and three phone calls so far. Not bad, though.) I'd prefer to devote today to my own work at my own pace. I have lots of catching up to do, and I definitely need a calm space in which to do it. While normally I thrive on hubbub and goings-on, ratcheting up external energy also excites and agitate the gremlins in my head.

The calm and quiet should be a nice foil to the frustration I've harbored of late in making big changes in my life. I just do NOT have the patience or energy for mental clutter anymore. Anything that doesn't contribute to a more positive life, to the goals I've set for myself can just GET OUT. I'm fed up with my old fear and my old habits that are holding me back from the greatness I see ahead in this year. I can almost feel my toes grip the cusp of a new, exciting direction- no longer bogged down by jobs, I can seek a career. No longer bogged down by adolescent behaviors, I can own adulthood confidently. But ridding my life of those old mental processes is more daunting than sweeping clutter into a box for Goodwill. I want to tattoo this quote from Meg Keene at A Practical Wedding onto my forearm:

 I’m writing this post because I think that so frequently, when we try to change, we re-create the very worst elements of our past. We leave the bad boyfriend, but we repeat all of his crappy commentary of us in our heads. We change jobs, but we take the bad habits with us. We move, but we don’t let go of the stuff that just was not working. We change, but we don’t let ourselves really change. Because real change is hard. Real change is forcing a paradigm shift on ourselves, rooting around deep inside to dig out the parts we really don’t like and get them out of there. Real change is believing. And the weird part is that it’s not just believing in what we’re capable of doing; it’s believing in what we’ve already done and in what skills we have in us right now.

So here goes the paradigm shift. As much as I want a Big Event or Big Moment to set it all off, that's not really how change works (so it seems). It's small steps every day, and tough choices that shouldn't be so epic (watch another episode on Netflix? order out for dinner?), and dusting off the mistakes from yesterday. I'll let today be a calm, quiet day filled with small victories. 

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