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Monday, February 18, 2013

Shift

It's a quiet day at the office today, with both my coworkers in D.C. for this three-day weekend (No KXL!). but I'm enjoying it. My panoramic view of the city is blurred by some snow and rain, and I'm happy to be tucked away from the elements. In fact, I really hope the phone doesn't ring, nobody emails me, and nobody stops by. (One person has stopped by and three phone calls so far. Not bad, though.) I'd prefer to devote today to my own work at my own pace. I have lots of catching up to do, and I definitely need a calm space in which to do it. While normally I thrive on hubbub and goings-on, ratcheting up external energy also excites and agitate the gremlins in my head.

The calm and quiet should be a nice foil to the frustration I've harbored of late in making big changes in my life. I just do NOT have the patience or energy for mental clutter anymore. Anything that doesn't contribute to a more positive life, to the goals I've set for myself can just GET OUT. I'm fed up with my old fear and my old habits that are holding me back from the greatness I see ahead in this year. I can almost feel my toes grip the cusp of a new, exciting direction- no longer bogged down by jobs, I can seek a career. No longer bogged down by adolescent behaviors, I can own adulthood confidently. But ridding my life of those old mental processes is more daunting than sweeping clutter into a box for Goodwill. I want to tattoo this quote from Meg Keene at A Practical Wedding onto my forearm:

 I’m writing this post because I think that so frequently, when we try to change, we re-create the very worst elements of our past. We leave the bad boyfriend, but we repeat all of his crappy commentary of us in our heads. We change jobs, but we take the bad habits with us. We move, but we don’t let go of the stuff that just was not working. We change, but we don’t let ourselves really change. Because real change is hard. Real change is forcing a paradigm shift on ourselves, rooting around deep inside to dig out the parts we really don’t like and get them out of there. Real change is believing. And the weird part is that it’s not just believing in what we’re capable of doing; it’s believing in what we’ve already done and in what skills we have in us right now.

So here goes the paradigm shift. As much as I want a Big Event or Big Moment to set it all off, that's not really how change works (so it seems). It's small steps every day, and tough choices that shouldn't be so epic (watch another episode on Netflix? order out for dinner?), and dusting off the mistakes from yesterday. I'll let today be a calm, quiet day filled with small victories. 

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Mighty

Guys, I'm going to Palm Springs, CA this year for Camp Mighty and I am SUPER JAZZED. For those of you who don't wish to click on the link to learn more, Camp Mighty is a retreat/conference that oozes positivity for all the right reasons: to declare one's goals out loud (or at least in writing) and then take action to make them come about within a community of people who want you to succeed. Goals range from charity work to career ambitions to travel dreams to sartorial experiences.

Anyway, attending Camp Mighty would pretty much be the culmination of the past ~9 months of immersing myself in the positive blog atmosphere I've come to love. After discovering A Practical Wedding, which led me to Go Mighty and other fantastic feminist and entrepreneurial blogs, strangers on the internet seem a lot more like friends, and have helped me through a rough year of change. These bloggers and the communities they've gathered about themselves have distilled so much wisdom for me about adulthood and womanhood. I'm finally realizing- and internalizing- that the time is now for all the things I want to do "when I grow up."

I was told last night that I'm remarkable- and I suppose by nature of that person remarking it, it must be so. It's hard to see the remarkability of my behaviors or thoughts or actions when I've not yet netted any of my major life goals. But I'm constantly in pursuit of them, constantly struggling and trying and striving for better and better. Usually, this is only remarkable in the amount of frustration I feel on a regular basis. I know better things are out there, though, and I want them NOW. I don't have the patience to wait for the universe to get around to aligning stars for me, and I don't have the time or space in my life for anything that's not serving my higher purpose.

Camp Mighty, though nine months away, kicks up my drive into high gear. I need to work out more- not because I'll be wearing a swimsuit in the unlikely month of October, but because taking care of my health is a priority I want to display proudly, not make trite excuses about. It's time to get my career in gear so I can confidently and clearly introduce myself and give some context about my life. And my writing will need cultivation as well. If other attendees will be looking me up before or after the weekend retreat, I want them to see a portfolio that shows strength and growth.

I'll be the first to admit that maintaining momentum is difficult for me, as my life involves a roller coaster of moods and emotions. But going to Camp Mighty is something I think I can consistently work toward. And the work starts now.

Friday, February 1, 2013

Reminder

I am a good person. I am still a good person, even when I am remiss in important communication. I am still a good person, even when I suck at my job. I am still a good person, even when I forget my phone at the office when I go to lunch. I am still a good person, even when I screw up a lot. I am still a good person, when when I fail at fulfilling my responsibilities. I am still a good person, even when I have a bad week, or month, or year. I am still a good person.

I am a good person because of how I define myself. I am not defined by my communication skills. I am not defined by my job. I am not defined by any occasional absent-mindedness. I am not defined by my screw-ups- not their quantity, nor their composition. I am not defined by my responsibilities. I am not defined by a week, or a month, or a year of my life.

I am still a good person. I am enough. And so are you.